Miscellaneous Jokes ...

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races.

However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third.

The next day the local paper carried this headline:

PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS

The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read:

PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00. Next day the headline read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains where it could run wild and free. Next day, the headline in the paper read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

The Bishop was buried the next day......

You’re Next

When I was younger I hated going to weddings. It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."

They finally stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Sports Quotes

"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." -Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh

"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." - Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996

"You guys line up alphabetically by height." - Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach

"You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle." - Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach

Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements: "I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school."

Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."

Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece: "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."

Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships: "I've won at every level, except college and pro."

Lou Duva, Veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrewm Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."

1992- Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play."

1982 - Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."

1981 - Tommy Lasorda , Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: "He wants Texas back."

1966 - Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of Longhorn injuries that season resulted from poor physical conditioning: "One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition for football?"

1981 - Mike McCormack, coach of the hapless Baltimore Colts after the team's co-captain, offensive guard Robert Pratt, pulled a hamstring running onto the field for the coin toss against St. Louis: "I'm going to send the injured reserve players out for the toss next time."

1991 -Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books: "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet."

1986 - Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: "I'm not allowed to comment on lousy officiating."

1991 - Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons: "It's basically the same, just darker."

1996 - Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote: "I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I'd get shot."

1991 - Jim Colletto, Purdue football coach and former assistant at Arizona State and Ohio State, on his 11-year-old son's reaction after he took the job with the Boilermakers: "He said: 'Gosh, Dad, that mean's we're not going to any more bowl games."

1986 - LaVell Edwards, BYU football coach and one of 14 children: "They can't fire me because my family buys too many tickets."

1991 - Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care."

1991 - Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings.

1987 - Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

The Goat

Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this really big, deep hole.

"Wow.. that looks deep!" "Sure does. Toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is." They pick up a few pebbles, throw them in, and wait.....no noise. "Doggone, that is REALLY deep... here throw one these big rocks and see how long it takes." Again, there was no noise after throwing in the rock.

"Look over here, there's a railroad tie in the weeds. Lets throw it in, its gotta make a noise." The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound from the hole.

The two stand there, amazed, when suddenly, out of nowhere, a goat appears, running like the wind.

It rushes straight toward the two men and then past them, running as fast as its legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps into the air and into the hole. The two men are astonished by what they've just seen. Then out of the wood comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over.

"Hey .. you two guys seen my goat out here?"

"You bet we did! The darndest thing we've ever seen. Came running outta nowhere like crazy and just jumped right into this hole!"

"Nah", says the farmer, " Couldn't have been my goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."

You want to improve your TIME MANAGEMENT????

HERE IS THE TAYLOR MADE SOLUTION YOU HAVE ALWAYS DREAMED OF:

THE NEW RUSH CALENDAR

* This is a special calendar for handling rush jobs. All rush jobs are wanted yesterday. With this calendar, a job can be ordered on the 7th and delivered on the 3rd.

* Most jobs are required by Friday, so there are three Fridays in every week.

* There are eight new days added to each month to allow for end-of-the-month panic jobs.

* There is no 1st of the month -- thus avoiding late delivery of the previous month's last-minute panic jobs.

* Monday morning hangovers are abolished together along with non-productive Saturdays and Sundays.

* A new day, Negotiation Day, has been introduced keeping the other days free for un-interrupted panic.

Medical Dictionary for the common folk

Benign................What you be after you be eight.
Artery................The study of paintings.
Bacteria..............Back door to cafeteria.
Barium................What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section......A neighborhood in Rome.
Cat scan.............Searching for kitty.
Cauterize.............Made eye contact with her.
Colic.................A sheep dog.
Coma..................A punctuation mark.
D & C.................Where Washington is.
Dilate................To live long.
Enema.................Not a friend.
Fester................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula................A small lie.
Genital...............Non-Jewish person.
G.I. Series...........World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail..............What you hang your coat on.
Impotent..............Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain............Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff.........A Doctor's cane.
Morbid................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates..............Cheaper than day rates.
Node..................-Was aware of-
Outpatient............A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear.............A fatherhood test.
Pelvis................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative........A letter carrier.
Recovery Room.........Place to do upholstery.
Rectum................Darn near killed him.
Secretion.............Hiding something.
Seizure...............Roman emperor.
Tablet................A small table.
Terminal Illness......Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor.................More than one.
Urine.................Opposite of you're out.
Varicose..............Near by/close by.
Vein..................Conceited

Small Towns

The US is full of small towns. For those never having traveled to or lived in one, the following will illustrate pretty much what life's like there.

My hometown was so small...

* the clinic was called Joe's Hospital and Grill

* long distance calls are delayed when the area code is busy

* the town Lady of the Evening stands under a flashlight

* in order to paint traffic lines, the road had to be widened

* instead of hoses, the Fire Department uses water pistols

* you had to make a reservation to use the parking meter

* during snowstorms, salt was spread using a salad shooter

* the local Motel 6 sleeps six

* during a boxing match, both men have to sit in the same corner

* the class valedictorian had both the highest & lowest averages

* the Mayor was also the Sheriff, Town Council & street sweeper

* we had no porn movie house; once a week someone left the shades up

* the municipal water system's pump was supplied by Water Pik

* before you visited, you could look out a window & see who was home

* there was no town idiot -- everybody had to take turns

Ain't it true?

1. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
2. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
3. The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
4. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
5. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
6. Money can't buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with.
7. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
8. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
9. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
10. If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. COROLLARY: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.
11. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
12. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as warning to others.
13. Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor.
14. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
15. Paranoids are people too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
16. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy to be on your way.
17. Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.
18. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
19 A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
21. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
22. Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
23. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
24. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
25. Two wrongs are only the beginning.
26. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
27. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
28. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
29. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
30. Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
31. Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things.
32. Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.
33. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
34. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
35. Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.

Take some time to ponder this:

Imagine there is a bank that credits your account each morning with $86,400.

It carries over no balance from day to day. Every evening it deletes whatever part of the balance you failed to use during the day.

What would you do?

Draw out every cent, of course!!!!

Each of us has such a bank.

It's name is TIME.

Every morning, it credits you with 86,400 seconds.

Every night it writes off, as lost, whatever of this you have failed to invest to good purpose.

It carries over no balance. It allows no overdraft. Each day it opens a new account for you. Each night it burns the remains of the day. If you fail to use the day's deposits, the loss is yours. There is no going back. There is no drawing against the "tomorrow". You must live in the present on today's deposits. Invest it so as to get from it the utmost in health, happiness, and success!

The clock is running. Make the most of today.

To realize the value of ONE YEAR, ask a student who failed a grade. To realize the value of ONE MONTH, ask a mother who gave birth to a pre-mature baby. To realize the value of ONE WEEK, ask the editor of a weekly newspaper. To realize the value of ONE HOUR, ask the lovers who are waiting to meet.

To realize the value of ONE MINUTE, ask a person who missed the train. To realize the value of ONE SECOND, ask a person who just avoided an accident. To realize the value of ONE MILLISECOND, ask the person who won a silver medal in the Olympics.

Treasure every moment that you have! And treasure it more because shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time. And remember that time waits for no one.

Yesterday is history
Tomorrow is mystery
Today is a gift
That's why it's called the present!!

On the Lighter Side